One of my lifelong struggles has been with Perfectionism and the idea that somehow achieving it would protect me from discomfort and harm forevermore. I hated mistakes, I hated red ink, and anything less than 100% on an assignment or test chafed. Corrections felt more like slaps in the face than invitations to recognize errors for what they truly were: learning opportunities.
All of this got internalized over my formative years, which I’m realizing because I’ve spent recent years picking apart my youth to better understand how I think as an adult. Perfection was always the goal, but the pursuit of it frequently overwhelmed me and led me to avoidant behaviours and procrastination. Most of my educational career is marked by late nights rushing to get entire projects done from start to finish, riding a high of near-panic and borrowing heavily from the next day’s energy.
I would arrive to class deeply sleep deprived, and turn in something that still got a decent mark, even if it wasn’t perfect. The lesson my brain took from this is the belief that I can leave things until the last minute and still pull a rabbit out of the hat, albeit at great cost to myself. It was never comfortable, so each new project came with promises to myself to get started earlier and give myself more time to plan and work, only to end up repeating the cycle again.
I understand my motivations a little better now, especially how urgency can light a fire under my ass when interest isn’t present. Unfortunately, relying solely on urgency can leave me overstressed and underrested, which is a recipe for disaster and possibly illness I cannot afford. To pile onto the mess, I would then feel ashamed that I felt so bad, that I turned in something imperfect and somehow snuck by, that I was faking being a good student, or even a good person.
It turned out that the pursuit of perfection brought the very discomfort and harm I was seeking to avoid all along. Sometimes the self-imposed obligation of perfection was the thing stopping me from getting started. I’ve discussed with multiple therapists the idea of creating my own rules and aiming for the achievable instead of an unreachable ideal, and getting little ego boosts from small wins.
Our first attempts can be ugly. Clumsy. Deeply flawed. Giving myself permission to make a messy “first draft” gives me the win of having done the thing, however imperfectly. It gives me something to work with, to sculpt or edit, and it’s better than being overwhelmed by having to make it perfect. I usually take a first step, realize it’s not as scary as I was making it out to be in my head, and maybe I’ve even found a little fun in the process.
It takes practice to recognize when a tendency toward perfection is freezing you in your tracks. Check-ins can help, through journaling or artistic expression, or with a trusted friend in chat or conversation. Meditation is another great tool, because practicing noticing your thoughts is a great way to figure out which specific ideas are stopping you.
When I have the “don’t wannas,” I usually experience a powerful negative sensation, which makes me want to distract myself to avoid thinking about it. Taking even a minute to meditate can slow my mind down enough that the sensation sharpens into a thought explaning why I don’t want to start: “It won’t be good enough,” or “It’s too late and doesn’t matter anymore,” or similar. Once I can put the thought into words, it feels like it loses its power over me.
I am imperfectly launching my ADHD coaching practice. I’d like to start with a conversation, and to that end I’ve updated my services, starting with the phone appointment. If you’d like to receive ADHD coaching or body doubling, click here to set a time to talk with me on the phone. I will be offering hourlong coaching sessions for $60 CAD, and hourlong body doubling appointments for $30 CAD.
Body doubling
During a body doubling appointment, I will set up a camera while I work on a care task or craft project, and invite you to do the same. We can take a minute at the beginning to get organized and motivated, and I will invite one or more breaks (as in the pomodoro method) and a period at the end to debrief and discuss what worked for you and what didn’t.
If you know you need to get something done with support, and you’re not quite ready to dive in, we can have a coaching session to get started and make a plan, with body doubling after (maybe even on a different day to better help you mentally process the first conversation). All things that we can talk about during your phone appointment.
Of course, while I was tinkering in my booking system, I added a new meditation service for tarot visualizations. During this hourlong appointment, I will guide you into the imagery of ten cards revolving around a central question that serves as the focus for the meditation. I have decks with accessible imagery with figures in monochrome and judicious use of colour, fantastical decks with fae creatures and mermaids, and oracle decks focused on archetypes or images from alchemy.
These last biting weeks of winter have made it unenticing to leave the home, so I am extending my last post’s massage promo to everyone: 50% off your next session with code PANNE26 for bookings made before end-of-day February 28th. If you have the space and would rather I come to you, please schedule a phone appointment and we can discuss timing and travel costs.
Stay warm and keep your eyes open for those first signs of spring.
